I got a rash. On my butt. OK, I know it's gross but I made it funny. Read on.
Suddenly, after a lifetime of butt health, my rear end got warm and itchy, from sitting at my computer, at home, in my underwear, for as little as 10 minutes. Not just warm. Hot. Why was my butt crack area getting hot from sitting? And itchy. I had no idea. Was it age? Some kind of ass disease? As it continued I added a small pillow to my desk chair. And bought a desk seat cushion. I even bought some new underwear that was "ventilated", called wicking. Nothing helped.
After a week or two I became concerned. After sitting for a short time my ass still got very warm, not just a little warm, hot. I spent a couple of hours searching on Google for the reason. And the remedy. Mainly the search results were about butt pain. I did not have a pain in the butt. OK, there were a lot of things that I considered a pain in the ass but not literally. Besides butt pain there were a lot of search results about something called "Swamp Ass". Swamp Ass is a thing where your butt sweats, a lot. I didn't have that either.
As my butt was not getting better and I had to spend a lot of time sitting I decided to go to the doctor. I went to my doctor and he examined me. My doctor said I had diaper rash. Diaper rash? Huh? I'm an old man not a baby! And I don't wear diapers! He explained that even adults can get diaper rash. That's just what the medical profession calls the affliction. He was not sure of the cause of MY diaper rash. He recommended that I apply Desitin to the area. Desitin. That's a baby ointment, for diaper rash! I was old but the medical profession was treating me like a baby. Literally.
I went to my local pharmacy. The Desitin was, guess where? In the baby aisle.
I started applying the Desitin to my butt. After a few days my butt rash got better. I cut back on applying the messy ointment. After a few more days I stopped using it.
About a week later my hot and itchy butt was back. No rash, just high heat and itch. It was the sitting that caused it. I had no other remedies to try. I decided to go see a specialist. A proctologist. An ass doctor. I searched Google for a specialist that was local. My medical insurance allows me to see any doctor without a referral. There were no proctologists listed in the Burbank, California area which is a few minutes north of Los Angeles. What? No proctologists? I learned that they were no longer called proctologists they were now called Colorectal Surgeons. What? I don't want surgery on my butt I just want a doctor who specializes in treating butts! In any event there few/none listed in the area. What? A shortage of butt doctors? I needed local medical help for my ass and couldn't get that? I decided to check with my doctors for a referral. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to travel for hours to get to a referred non-surgical Colorectal Surgeon.
In the meantime, based on the recommendation of my pharmacy I resumed using the Desitin.
So, here I sit, an old guy with a baby butt.
Stay tuned
UPDATE: I found a Colorectal Surgeon in a neighboring city. I went to see the surgeon. They said I had an anal fissure, a tearing in the anal lining. THAT'S what had been giving me the pain. I got a prescription for an ointment that helped heal it. Months later it had healed. Or not. Ouch. No, I do NOT want to get it fixed via surgery. Metaphorically speaking, for my entire existence I've been living with tons of pains in the ass that life brings.
